Hints and Allegations

things that totally rocked this month!

• Kids don’t have chicken pox, it was just HFMD
• I finally sacked my squirrlyass Bai who was just a jerk and all around biyotch
• Ganpati bonus, really Bai. You’re a stupid MOFO if you thought I was that gullible.

things that didn’t rock this month

• the constant crying/wallowing
• the missing my mom
• being so freaking sick of Indian food
• feeling completely and totally trapped

This sucks as an entry. But anything I try to write right now comes off so pathetically whiny and pathetic that I can barely stomach putting it down for anyone to see and read, much less bear coming back to read it at a later date. What does strike me about this time though is the mute terror that I feel now. That I am never ever going to have friends irrational kind of fear I felt when I was 10 and we had first moved to the States kind of fear coursing through me. I know on some level that this is just a childish fear and it couldn’t possibly be true. But for some reason this move has just brought out every little fear that little girl had. Even though I know that it’s’ early, that it will take time, I keep repeating to myself over and over, what if it doesn’t happen, what if you never meet people. What if they just don’t like you, loudmouthed American1. Bam! There it is!
And then of course out comes the wallowing, the United States rah rah rah! Bit! Don’t get me wrong. I’m the first one to criticize the States, but my adopted country, faults and all is the only place I will ever call home. Maybe even in the few short months that I’ve been here I’m romanticisizing what it was like there, but I think not. I swear to the great spaghetti monster in the sky I will never EVER bitch about the line at the DMV EVER again. EVER. I swear…In the States I was part of something. Here, the freaking UPites…talk about these Marathis, the Marathis talk about how they're put upon and how the Marathi manoos is all woe is freaking me! (get over yourself marathi manoos!), the Tamils talk about the Andhraites…everyone talks about everyone…and anytime a woman is raped…oh then it’s the fault of the bad old West…In a land of blame someone else, nothing can ever improve because that other will always have another to blame.
I feel like a square piece trying to fit in a round peg. It sucks.